How and When to Keep Your Mouth Shut (And When to Speak Up)

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Executive communication expert Jule Kim helps us learn when our voice is needed

Co-authored by Jule Kim and Luke Smith, MFA

Last Updated: December 29, 2025 Fact Checked

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• Speaking Less
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• When to Be Silent
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• When to Speak Up
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• Final Thoughts
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• Video
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• Q&A
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• Tips

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At some point, not knowing when to stop talking might get you in trouble. Whether you're in the office, talking with friends, or in class, learning when to be silent is a valuable skill. You'll give others the chance to contribute to the conversation, and you might prevent hurt feelings or misunderstandings because you'll become a better listener. In this article, we spoke to speech, etiquette, and career coaches, as well as clinical psychologists and communication experts, to help you know when to speak less and when to speak up.

How do I know when to speak up (or not)?

Executive communication expert Jule Kim recommends asking yourself these key questions and letting your answers guide you before deciding to speak up:

• Why do I want to speak up or stay silent?
• What's at stake? What is the benefit or the cost?
• Did anyone ask me or want to hear from me?
• What are the consequences for me if I speak up? If I don't?
• Can I live with myself knowing I chose to stay silent?

Steps

Section 1 of 4:

Speaking Less in Conversation

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1. 
   1
   Record yourself to be aware of how much you speak. Voice and speech coach Patrick Muñoz says that the first step is understanding exactly how much you speak. To do this, he recommends recording a conversation between you and a friend or simply asking a friend’s opinion. When you’re aware of how much you talk and why, you can more easily address the problem.

   • This is helpful because sometimes the problem isn’t just that you talk a lot, but that you talk about irrelevant things, or you ramble, or you have speech quirks. Knowing the real problem is the first step.
   • Ask your friend if you can record, or record discreetly and then delete the recording immediately after. It’s impolite to keep recordings of people when they aren’t aware.

   Meet the wikiHow Experts

   Jule Kim is an executive leadership coach and communication expert based in Edmonds, WA. She provides coaching to help executives overcome imposter syndrome and build confidence to become strong, trusted leaders.

   Patrick Muñoz is an internationally recognized voice & speech coach who focuses on public speaking, vocal power, and speech therapy.

   Nicole Barile, PhD, NTP, is a licensed clinical psychologist and a nutritional therapy practitioner (NTP) who practices in New York.

   Christine Ferrera is an etiquette coach who works with professionals, college students, youth leaders, and community organizations to teach real-world etiquette and professional presence.

   William Gardner, Psy.D., is a clinical psychologist in private practice located in San Francisco with over 10 years of clinical experience.
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   Imagine speaking your thoughts before you say them. A big part of speaking less is mastering the art of impulse control and working against your impulse to talk. Licensed clinical psychologist Nicole Barile, PhD, NTP, recommends taking a pause before you speak. To help with this, practice taking 1-2 breaths when you feel the urge to speak while thinking about what you’re going to say. If the words sound silly or frivolous, wait and think of something else to say.

   • Don’t worry about coming across as awkward. This makes you look the opposite–like you’re really careful and thoughtful.
   • Also, don’t worry about coming up with the perfect thing to say. Even just taking a moment of silence helps slow you down and find the right words as you go.
   • This is an effective technique if you get emotional or upset and your immediate urge is to respond.
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   Take a big breath after each sentence to slow down. Often, talking too much is a matter of speed. Once you get going, it can become hard to stop. Muñoz recommends stopping yourself frequently to take a comfortable breath. Try taking a breath after each sentence to help you pace yourself. This also gives you the opportunity to think about what you’ll say next.

   • Practice by talking out loud to yourself. After each sentence, inhale for 1 second, then exhale for 1 second. Or, do the same while reading a book aloud.
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   Write down your thoughts to help you speak less. Sometimes, just putting your thoughts down is enough to remove the feeling that you have to talk. Then, you can throw away what you wrote or use the note to phrase what you're planning to say. When you write or journal often, you let your words escape onto a page instead of into the air, and you’re less likely to feel the need to talk so much in conversation.

   • For example, your note might say, "Why did you schedule that party without asking me?! You're thoughtless sometimes." Then, throw the note away without saying that or respond by saying, "I wish you hadn't scheduled the party without talking with me first."
   • Also, write down what you did or thought about that day. Once you’ve gone over it all once, you’re less likely to want to say it again out loud.
5. 
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   Ask more questions to avoid talking too much. When it feels like you’ve talked too much, one simple way out is just to ask other people questions about themselves. This gives other people an opportunity to talk and takes the spotlight off of you. They’ll also appreciate you for helping move the conversation forward.

   • Ask questions like, “What do you think about…?” “What did you do yesterday?” “Why do you think…?”
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   Practice active listening by letting others finish speaking. Stop looking for places to cut in and wait patiently for others to finish speaking, says etiquette coach Christine Ferrera. Practice active listening by paying attention to not only what the person is saying, but how they're saying it. Look for non-verbal cues, such as their facial expressions or what they're doing with their hands. You'll have a better idea of what they're trying to communicate, and they'll feel more comfortable speaking if they know you won't cut them off.

   • For example, if you ask someone if they'd like to babysit your kids and they say, "I'm not sure if I can," don't interrupt them. If they're also frowning and fiddling with their hands, you may tell that they feel uncomfortable with the idea, and you shouldn't press them on it.
   • In a group conversation, wait until at least half of the group has spoken before you speak, and then let 3-4 others speak before you speak again.
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   Try meditative practices like yoga to calm your mind. Other times, we talk too much because we’re nervous, stressed, or scattered, and all that nervous energy comes out in our speech. Meditating, stretching, journaling, and other peaceful wellness practices can lower those stress levels long-term, which helps you stay calm during a conversation. Try some of these stress-busting activities:

   • Meditation
   • Yoga
   • Reading
   • Walking or jogging
   • Painting
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Section 2 of 4:

When to Be Silent

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1. 
   1
   Keep small complaints or whining to yourself. If you tend to speak out about everything and everyone that bothers you, others may begin to see you as a whiner. You might lose some respect, and people will be less likely to listen to you. When you’re irritated, take a moment to ask yourself how serious the problem is. Could someone get hurt, emotionally or physically, if you don’t say anything? If not, consider keeping it to yourself. That way, you’ll complain or whine less.

   • This is especially true if you tend to complain about things that you can't change, such as the weather.
2. 
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   Give someone the benefit of the doubt if they’re being a bit rude. When we witness someone being thoughtless or smarmy, especially to ourselves, it’s tempting to want to lecture them. Clinical psychologist William Gardner, PsyD, reminds us that everyone has off days where they're short-tempered or just going through something challenging, and that we need to ask ourselves if they’re genuinely being mean, or if they’re just frustrated with themselves.

   • If you can, walk away and see if the situation resolves itself. If it doesn’t, talk to someone higher up about it, like a parent, teacher, or boss.
   • That said, if the person is verbally attacking you or someone else, sometimes it’s better to speak up.
3. 
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   Leave gossip to other people. Whether you're around the water cooler or in the hallway between classes, resist the urge to talk about others behind their backs. Career coach Melody Godfred, JD, explains that gossip fuels negativity and is a waste of resources. People are less likely to trust you if they know that you frequently gossip and you might say something hurtful or get into trouble. It's better to stop gossiping altogether.

   • Remind yourself why gossiping is harmful. The information you're sharing could be inaccurate, or it might make someone angry, for instance.
   • Before you speak about another person, ask yourself: Is this kind? Does the person I’m talking to have to know? Would I want someone else saying this about me?
4. 
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   Remove yourself from the situation if you become angry or irritated. It's easy to lash out when you're mad about something, but you're more likely to create conflict if you react in anger. It's much better to not say anything than to say something you'll regret. If you feel yourself becoming agitated, excuse yourself from the conversation and go do something else for a while to calm yourself, before you say something you don’t mean.

   • For example, say, “Sorry, I just started feeling a little off. I need to go sit down.” A white lie is better than losing your cool.
   • It's also a good idea to keep your mouth shut if saying something would only make another person really angry.

   Tip: If you tend to talk more and say hurtful things when you drink, try to quit drinking or only drink when you're around people that you really trust.
5. 
   5
   Hold off on speaking if you're making a big decision. Keep sensitive information to yourself, especially if it involves your own or other people's decisions. Don't discuss details about a new hire, offer you've been given, or group project you're working on, for instance. Others might not like that you're telling people what's happening, especially if plans aren't final yet. You'll also feel silly if things don't work out like you'd said.

   • For example, instead of saying, "I'm going to be the lead in the play because I don't think anyone else has the experience," stay quiet until you know the outcome of casting.
   • Remember that it’s much more satisfying to reveal the outcome of a decision than to talk about the decision before it’s made.
   • Of course, if you need help or advice, feel free to ask someone you trust.
6. 
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   Stay silent instead of bragging about yourself. No one likes to listen to someone talk about their own accomplishments, so don't always bring the focus of the conversation back to yourself. People will appreciate your actions more if someone else mentions them and praises you for them. It’s okay to be proud and enjoy your accomplishments, but let other people bring them up first.

   • For example, don't say, "I was the one who closed the big deal, so you all have me to thank." If you don't say anything, another person might mention the part you played in the success, and it will look better coming from someone else.
7. 
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   Keep quiet if you don't know the answer to something. If you're in the habit of talking too much, you probably answer questions that you don't even know the answer to. Make an effort to stop doing this. Most people can tell that you don't know what you're talking about, and you could end up wasting your own time, and other people’s, on answers that aren’t very helpful.

   • If you find that you must answer, you can say, "I don't know much about this. Does anyone else have any ideas?"
8. 
   8
   Appreciate silence instead of talking to fill it. If no one's speaking and people look slightly uncomfortable, just wait for someone else to talk. “Get comfortable with silence,” Muñoz recommends. It might feel awkward at first, but you'll be able to keep your mouth shut if you practice. Another person might be thinking of something to say, or they may be building the courage to join the conversation.

   • Practice by yourself at home by sitting in total silence. No talking, music, TV, or earbuds. Try it for 30 minutes while reading, cooking, or doing another task.

   Tip: If you have a hard time holding your tongue, count silently in your head. You might give yourself 3 minutes before saying something, for instance.
9. 
   9
   Avoid oversharing with strangers. If you frequently interact with strangers, it can be tricky to know when you're talking too much. Pay attention to how much personal information you share with people you don't really know. You can still be friendly without telling them everything about your life. There’s nothing wrong with sticking to small talk!

   • Watch the other person's reaction. For example, if you're talking too much, they may look away, appear bored, or try to walk off.
   • This is also true with acquaintances that you don't know very well. People can feel put off or overwhelmed if you give them too much info about yourself.
10. 10
    Consider if your opinion was asked for. Kim recommends asking yourself “Did anyone ask me or want to hear from me?” when trying to decide whether to speak up or not. “If no one asked me for my opinion, then this is a no brainer, especially if the stakes are low,” Kim says. “I may sometimes intervene for a friend who I see about to make a choice that leads to an outcome I KNOW they don't want. And if I'm going to volunteer my input, I always ask for permission first, unless there's physical harm or danger about to happen - then I'm not asking.”

    • Kim continues, “I've found that especially in my younger days, there have been many situations when I ‘spoke up’ and there was no real need to. I was actually inserting myself into a situation where I added no value but I did so out of a need to prove myself or my worthiness. So it was motivated by ego.”
    • “That's why I always ask myself why do I want to speak up? Why do I want to stay silent? And if I speak up, am I actually the best person for this, or does this role actually belong to someone else (ownership and responsibility)? Is my speaking up even needed in this particular context?” Kim says.
11. 11
    Consider if it’s safe for you to speak up. Kim recommends asking: “What are the consequences for me if I speak up? If I don't? What about for other people? Are there any parties involved that I'm supposed to look out for? I'm weighing the costs, like if there are times when I'm likely to lose something or my safety is threatened in some way. As a woman and POC, I'm probably not going to speak up if my physical safety is at stake. This can be hard to reconcile if safety conflicts with your ethics / morals / values at the same time.”

    • “There are times when there's no clear right answer, and all you can do is make the choice fully evaluating the consequences for every option, and not just for your own convenience (that's leaning towards selfishness) and not only from a place of fear (we often don't see the full picture adequately),” she continues.
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Section 3 of 4:

When to Speak Up

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1. 
   1
   Pitch in when you know what you’re talking about. If you can add value to the conversation, go ahead and speak! You’re not doing anyone any favors by withholding good info that others can’t provide. This is part of being more deliberate, Muñoz says. If someone else has already said what you were going to say, there's no need to repeat it. Wait to talk until you can say something that's useful or enlightening.

   • For example, if you’re an expert on a topic, or even just an enthusiast, then your input is probably appreciated!
   • Or, if someone else asks a question and you immediately have an answer, speak up! Just be sure to keep it short, so other people can speak, too.
   • The more you practice this, the more people will value what you have to say.
2. 
   2
   Step in when someone else is out of line. If someone is being mean, rude, or aggressive to another person, you don’t have to turn a blind eye. When you see injustice, you should say something! Whether it’s a customer berating a service worker or a friend talking badly about another friend, it’s okay to politely address the behavior in order to stop it.

   • For example, you might say, “Sorry, I don’t think that’s a polite thing to say.”
   • Kim says, “Can I live with myself knowing I chose to stay silent and that wasn't the right thing according to my values? The few times I made that choice, I forever regretted it, especially when it came to speaking up for the elderly or for anyone who couldn't adequately defend themselves. To live in integrity with one's values is pretty important for building self-respect.”
3. 
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   Speak up to give yourself opportunities and to have fun. There’s no need to be a doormat or to try and make yourself small for others. Advocating for yourself is crucial if you want respect, to advance your career, or just to have a good time! If you want something, say so. If you think you could handle an opportunity, raise your hand. If someone asks a question and you have an answer, speak up! And if you’re just hanging out with your close friends, speak your mind. Your voice matters, even when you’re trying to use it less. The trick is knowing when to use it.

   • Speaking less isn’t about robbing yourself of the opportunity to speak; it’s about making sure other people also have an opportunity. There’s enough to go around!
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Section 4 of 4:

Final Thoughts

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1. Use your best judgment and err on the side of caution. Kim says that knowing the difference between when to speak up and when to stay silent “is to understand the different contexts of every situation and know that there is no one blanket rule that applies to all.” Try to access each situation thoroughly before speaking.

   • Kim also suggests asking yourself this question: “Is this the example I want to set for children? Is this the world I want to create with people who make more choices like this?” She adds that “these last two questions often quickly clarify what I want to do in a situation.”

Community Q&A

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• Question

  I keep forgetting to keep quiet. I make up my mind as to not say unnecessary things but then I forget about the resolution! What can I do?

  

  Tom De Backer

  Top Answerer

  As with anything, practice makes perfect. Also, instead of remembering that you want to keep quiet, remember why you want to keep quiet.

  Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
  Thank you for your feedback.
  If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow

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  Not Helpful 12 Helpful 139
• Question

  What methods can I use or distractions can I make to stop myself from talking too harshly?

  

  Community Answer

  By self-checking your words. Think about how you would feel if someone said the same thing to you.

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  Thank you for your feedback.
  If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow

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• Question

  How can I stop myself from always finding excuses for my mistakes and trying to prove I'm right?

  

  Community Answer

  Be honest. I'm speaking from experience, and what I do is stop when a) the person I'm talking to looks bored or b) they seem to get the point. Realize that you don't have to be right in everything. It's not going to influence your life if someone declares that hamburgers are Asian food or something. My point is, most of these little things aren't going to matter a day from now, a year from now, so let them go.

  Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
  Thank you for your feedback.
  If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow

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• Keeping your mouth shut applies to commenting online. Use these steps to recognize when to respond to comments and when to simply ignore them.
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